There comes a point in the face of trials where everyone has a breaking point. Some last longer than others. Some make it through several trials without hitting that point. Some don't make it far at all before hitting it. Well, I finally hit mine.
I was doing "good" through all that's been going on with JD. I was so proud of myself. Everytime I took JD to the doctor I never panicked. I was concerned for him and with each diagnosis that concern grew. I never got upset, teared up, cried, or anything - I was being a "rock". I would talk to my parents on the phone and update them after each appointment and they kept saying "You're handling this so well; I'm really proud of you!" I was like - well, what's not to handle. It's all going to be okay!! With each test, diagnosis, and bill I kept maintaining. I was frustrated with how it was going but that was it.
Then last week I hit my breaking point. On top of the enormous medical bills we have started getting from this I got a call regarding a bill. Somehow in the midst of all that has been going on with JD I'd forgotten to make the payment and now we were being faced with huge penalties and little/no mercy. That was my breaking point! I couldn't function. I sat at my desk at work and cried like I hadn't in YEARS! Jeremiah was at a job site, my parents are out of state - I had to handle this alone. I was forced to throw my hands up to GOD and allow HIM to take over. As children of GOD there comes a point where we have to move aside and allow GOD to work. A point where we simply have to let go of the reins.
I sobbed, prayed, and sobbed some more. I had to say out loud "GOD I can't do this anymore! I can't handle anymore." I know everybody reading this has been there. You've all had those moments. If you haven't - just wait - it's coming. I hit my breaking point and now just simply feel...broken. It is so hard to see my not-quite-two-year old son going through all of this and I can't do ANYTHING! I'm a fixer. When a relationship is hurting I want to fix it; when my son hurts I want him to come to Mommy; I have to fix and control it - and this time I am being forced to sit on the sidelines. There is so much about what we are going through with JD that makes it a difficult situation - medically, emotionally, financially - and it just keeps getting harder.
I know that it's all "going to work out" (like my husband ALWAYS tells me) but I'm literal. I have to see it on paper. I have to know how it will work out, how it's going to be fixed. I know it's a faith issue. It's easy to say you have faith but when faced with trials words become useless. That's when faith goes from being just a word and becomes an action. GOD has really been teaching me and working on me in this area. And that's where I am right now.
- I BELIEVE, and have faith, that GOD is going to take care of my son during these procedures, surgery, etc.
- I BELIEVE, and have faith, that GOD is going to heal JD of all of this
- I BELIEVE, and have faith, that GOD will provide for the medical expenses we are being faced with
- I BELIEVE, and have faith, that GOD is going to use JD this situation for HIS glory!
There are so many unknowns right now for me. Yes, I feel broken, frustrated, drained - physically and emotionally, and stretched - but I know that GOD has a plan. I know HE is going to use JD in unbelievable ways! HE's already using JD to draw me closer to HIM through all of this. I had gotten to the point where I was "handling" things on my own with little dependance on GOD. My how that has changed in the last month! Now I can't even read the notes, emails, and messages being sent to us without crying.
Hopefully, today I will have another update regarding the scheduling of JD's CT & surgery. Please continue to pray for Jeremiah, JD, and I through all of this. These are hard, uncertain times for us. Satan is trying to discourage and break us down. We covet your prayers as a hedge of protection. Pray that GOD continues to work in and through us and that HE is glorified with the outcome!
I don't even know many of you who are members of JD's Facebook group, but I can't thank you enough for praying for him. GOD has been good to us and we are so blessed to have the prayers of so many going up for our son. It's amazing to see how many people JD's already touched. He's an amazing kid! GOD's got big things in store for him! Your support and prayers are such an encouragement to us throughout all of this and we cannot thank you enough!
In His Hands,
Jeremiah, Crista, and JD