There comes a point in the face of trials where everyone has a breaking point. Some last longer than others. Some make it through several trials without hitting that point. Some don't make it far at all before hitting it. Well, I finally hit mine.
I was doing "good" through all that's been going on with JD. I was so proud of myself. Everytime I took JD to the doctor I never panicked. I was concerned for him and with each diagnosis that concern grew. I never got upset, teared up, cried, or anything - I was being a "rock". I would talk to my parents on the phone and update them after each appointment and they kept saying "You're handling this so well; I'm really proud of you!" I was like - well, what's not to handle. It's all going to be okay!! With each test, diagnosis, and bill I kept maintaining. I was frustrated with how it was going but that was it.
Then last week I hit my breaking point. On top of the enormous medical bills we have started getting from this I got a call regarding a bill. Somehow in the midst of all that has been going on with JD I'd forgotten to make the payment and now we were being faced with huge penalties and little/no mercy. That was my breaking point! I couldn't function. I sat at my desk at work and cried like I hadn't in YEARS! Jeremiah was at a job site, my parents are out of state - I had to handle this alone. I was forced to throw my hands up to GOD and allow HIM to take over. As children of GOD there comes a point where we have to move aside and allow GOD to work. A point where we simply have to let go of the reins.
I sobbed, prayed, and sobbed some more. I had to say out loud "GOD I can't do this anymore! I can't handle anymore." I know everybody reading this has been there. You've all had those moments. If you haven't - just wait - it's coming. I hit my breaking point and now just simply feel...broken. It is so hard to see my not-quite-two-year old son going through all of this and I can't do ANYTHING! I'm a fixer. When a relationship is hurting I want to fix it; when my son hurts I want him to come to Mommy; I have to fix and control it - and this time I am being forced to sit on the sidelines. There is so much about what we are going through with JD that makes it a difficult situation - medically, emotionally, financially - and it just keeps getting harder.
I know that it's all "going to work out" (like my husband ALWAYS tells me) but I'm literal. I have to see it on paper. I have to know how it will work out, how it's going to be fixed. I know it's a faith issue. It's easy to say you have faith but when faced with trials words become useless. That's when faith goes from being just a word and becomes an action. GOD has really been teaching me and working on me in this area. And that's where I am right now.
- I BELIEVE, and have faith, that GOD is going to take care of my son during these procedures, surgery, etc.
- I BELIEVE, and have faith, that GOD is going to heal JD of all of this
- I BELIEVE, and have faith, that GOD will provide for the medical expenses we are being faced with
- I BELIEVE, and have faith, that GOD is going to use JD this situation for HIS glory!
There are so many unknowns right now for me. Yes, I feel broken, frustrated, drained - physically and emotionally, and stretched - but I know that GOD has a plan. I know HE is going to use JD in unbelievable ways! HE's already using JD to draw me closer to HIM through all of this. I had gotten to the point where I was "handling" things on my own with little dependance on GOD. My how that has changed in the last month! Now I can't even read the notes, emails, and messages being sent to us without crying.
Hopefully, today I will have another update regarding the scheduling of JD's CT & surgery. Please continue to pray for Jeremiah, JD, and I through all of this. These are hard, uncertain times for us. Satan is trying to discourage and break us down. We covet your prayers as a hedge of protection. Pray that GOD continues to work in and through us and that HE is glorified with the outcome!
I don't even know many of you who are members of JD's Facebook group, but I can't thank you enough for praying for him. GOD has been good to us and we are so blessed to have the prayers of so many going up for our son. It's amazing to see how many people JD's already touched. He's an amazing kid! GOD's got big things in store for him! Your support and prayers are such an encouragement to us throughout all of this and we cannot thank you enough!
In His Hands,
Jeremiah, Crista, and JD
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Next Step...
I got a phone call this morning from our pediatrician's office stating that the doctor wanted me to bring JD in ASAP. There was no explanation as to why - just that they needed him in the office today. We arrived at 1:15 and were with the doctor by 1:30. Well, the doctor said he wanted us to come in so he could check JD again and make sure there was no positive change to the masses on JD's neck. After examining him the doctor said there has definitely not been any progress; therefore, he is going to be calling the hospital to schedule the CT Scan and surgery. He said we should hear back from him sometime tomorrow regarding the details.
He said he is going to try and arrange it so that JD does NOT have to be sedated for the CT Scan. He said they sometimes allow the children to stay awake and just place them in a straight-jacket type coat and strap their head down so he cannot move. The doctor said the CT Scan will take less than 5 minutes, if we can get JD to hold still that long. After the CT Scan he is trying to arrange to have the Operating Room standing by for the surgery to remove the masses.
I asked the doctor and he said they will be removing BOTH masses. They will get the bulk of the masses but are not going to try and get all of it. He said the parts that are removed will be frozen and sent off to the lab to be anazlyzed. If theyare found to be something that will grow back then they will have to go back in and remove the rest in a meticulous manner - the doctor feels this is VERY unlikely. If they are proven to be just an infection that will NOT grow back, they will remove as much as possible then just treat the rest with antibiotics. At this point he said the symptoms are pointing to an abcess or microbacterial/fungal disease. He said right now he's just making an educated guess - we won't know for sure until they are removed.
Our pediatrician said he will be making the calls/arrangements with the hospital tomorrow and will then call me with the details. We had a feeling this was the next step, but now that it's here there are no words to explain what I'm feeling/thinking. Please continue to pray for us. I don't even know what to ask for specifically right now...just pray. Thank you!
In His Hands,
Jeremiah, Crista, & JD
He said he is going to try and arrange it so that JD does NOT have to be sedated for the CT Scan. He said they sometimes allow the children to stay awake and just place them in a straight-jacket type coat and strap their head down so he cannot move. The doctor said the CT Scan will take less than 5 minutes, if we can get JD to hold still that long. After the CT Scan he is trying to arrange to have the Operating Room standing by for the surgery to remove the masses.
I asked the doctor and he said they will be removing BOTH masses. They will get the bulk of the masses but are not going to try and get all of it. He said the parts that are removed will be frozen and sent off to the lab to be anazlyzed. If theyare found to be something that will grow back then they will have to go back in and remove the rest in a meticulous manner - the doctor feels this is VERY unlikely. If they are proven to be just an infection that will NOT grow back, they will remove as much as possible then just treat the rest with antibiotics. At this point he said the symptoms are pointing to an abcess or microbacterial/fungal disease. He said right now he's just making an educated guess - we won't know for sure until they are removed.
Our pediatrician said he will be making the calls/arrangements with the hospital tomorrow and will then call me with the details. We had a feeling this was the next step, but now that it's here there are no words to explain what I'm feeling/thinking. Please continue to pray for us. I don't even know what to ask for specifically right now...just pray. Thank you!
In His Hands,
Jeremiah, Crista, & JD
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
JD Update 2.0
Well, at least today didn't hold as much drama as last week - thankfully. God knows I can't do two weeks in a row like that! I met with JD's pediatrician again this morning to get the results of the aspiration/biopsy from last week. He said that the culture is still negative - which is good. He went over all the labs that have been done up to this point and said that there isn't anything definitive in any of the tests. He was concerned about the size/shape of the masses but after examining them , said that they feel like they may be softening some - which is also good. He said that he was concerned after he saw the pathology report that not all the tests were done that should have been. He told me it could be a micro-bacterial infection, infected cysts, etc. He said more tests need to be done to know for sure what this is and how to treat it. He also said that his gut feeling is that we are going to end up doing a CT Scan and then surgery to remove them. He said he wanted to talk to the pathologists, ENT specialist, as well as the Infectious Diseases (ID) office and get some of his questions answered. He was calling ID to see if there was something going around that he might not be aware of or be testing for. He said that would do that immediately and give me a call.
About an hour and a half later he called me back to say that he spoke with ID and they said it could be a couple different things but that they think that we are going the right route. They discussed the best test options and ID agreed that we may need a CT scan and surgery (it's becoming the popular diagnoses). Pathology said that they are able to run the extra tests on the samples that were already taken so JD doesn't have to go under the needle again...yet! *YAY* The results should be back within a day or two. They are primarily looking for micro diseases that may be more easily treated. Depending on the outcome of those tests we may be able to treat this with more meds OR ...you guessed it - CT scan and surgery. The point of the CT is to do a blood map that the surgeon will use as a guide during the surgery.
So, we have to go tomorrow to have blood drawn to rule out another disease. Then next Monday, Feb 22, we'll have a follow-up with the specialist to go over the results of all the most recent tests. I'm so exhausted from all of this - emotionally and otherwise. My heart goes out ot my family and friends who deal daily with more serious health conditions. I don't know how you do it. I've prayed more in the past month and been drawn closer to GOD through all this. It's amazing how fast you fall to your knees when your baby is sick. JD is a trooper. He's not himself and I hate that! I want him to feel better!!! I know GOD has this in HIS hands and HE already knows the result of every test, scan, etc. We're still trusting and knowing that GOD can handle this. Thank you for your continued prayers! We are so very grateful for your support!!
In His Hands,
Jeremiah, Crista, & JD
About an hour and a half later he called me back to say that he spoke with ID and they said it could be a couple different things but that they think that we are going the right route. They discussed the best test options and ID agreed that we may need a CT scan and surgery (it's becoming the popular diagnoses). Pathology said that they are able to run the extra tests on the samples that were already taken so JD doesn't have to go under the needle again...yet! *YAY* The results should be back within a day or two. They are primarily looking for micro diseases that may be more easily treated. Depending on the outcome of those tests we may be able to treat this with more meds OR ...you guessed it - CT scan and surgery. The point of the CT is to do a blood map that the surgeon will use as a guide during the surgery.
So, we have to go tomorrow to have blood drawn to rule out another disease. Then next Monday, Feb 22, we'll have a follow-up with the specialist to go over the results of all the most recent tests. I'm so exhausted from all of this - emotionally and otherwise. My heart goes out ot my family and friends who deal daily with more serious health conditions. I don't know how you do it. I've prayed more in the past month and been drawn closer to GOD through all this. It's amazing how fast you fall to your knees when your baby is sick. JD is a trooper. He's not himself and I hate that! I want him to feel better!!! I know GOD has this in HIS hands and HE already knows the result of every test, scan, etc. We're still trusting and knowing that GOD can handle this. Thank you for your continued prayers! We are so very grateful for your support!!
In His Hands,
Jeremiah, Crista, & JD
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Our Side of Drama
Well - round two at the hospital is over - for now! What an experience all of this is becoming!! We arrived at the hospital right at noon and were immediately directed to a private room in the sedation department. Numbing pads were placed on JD's feet to prep for the IV. The Child Life Specialist and her intern began explaining the projected timeline for the rest of the afternoon & the sedation doctor then came in to ask us questions regarding JD's health history and to examine him for the procedure. She explained to us the risks and benefits of sedation - it really makes you not want to do it when you hear all that!!! They placed the IV - which was extremely traumatic for JD - and then we headed down to Radiology.
Once in Radiology JD was placed on a stretcher and the real "fun" began. He started getting hooked up to all sorts of monitors, tubes, etc. It's a good thing I knew this was a somewhat minor procedure or otherwise seeing him like that would have scared me! Once they began giving him the sedation meds he began to fade fast! He fought it for a while and then could hold off no more! He gave in to the powers of the med they call "magic milk". Once he was sedated, the doctor realized we hadn't signed one of the consent forms yet. They took us into another room so the US tech could go over the form with us and we discovered the particulars of the procedure. For the first time we throughout this ordeal we were told the full truth! The point of this procedure was only to draw enough fluid to send to the lab. I explained to the tech that the ENT specialist had said they were going to drain this completely and that would hopefully resolve the problem. This wasn't the case! She said they would get as much fluid as possible but that was the main point.
They finished the procedure and called us back into the room as they were waking JD back up. I asked the Radiologist why they couldn't use the fluid they had already withdrawn back in January. The Radiologist said she had never been told they had done the Fine Needle test. I was furious!!! Evidently the ENT specialist didn't see the point in sharing ALL information with the radiologist - so now we are paying for a test that was done a month ago, that we didn't get any answers from! I went off! I explained to the doctor the seriousness of this situation and how we had specifically explained our finances to the ENT doctor. Evidently they completely ignored everything we said.
When JD was moved to recovery in the AMU I called our pediatrician and expressed my concerns. I asked if the follow-up could be done through the pediatrician's office instead of the ENT. I explained that I am furious with the ENT and don't feel that we are getting treated fairly by him or his office. The pediatrician has said that they're going to try and work it out that we can follow-up with them. Yay for small victories!!! The test results should be back on Tuesday so we should find out sometime after that! Please keep praying that somehow this will just heal on its own. We're already being billed for services being rendered that we never should have and still have no answers. GOD's still in control - we know that! Now we just have to be patient! Please keep praying!
In His Hands -
Jeremiah, Crista, & JD
Once in Radiology JD was placed on a stretcher and the real "fun" began. He started getting hooked up to all sorts of monitors, tubes, etc. It's a good thing I knew this was a somewhat minor procedure or otherwise seeing him like that would have scared me! Once they began giving him the sedation meds he began to fade fast! He fought it for a while and then could hold off no more! He gave in to the powers of the med they call "magic milk". Once he was sedated, the doctor realized we hadn't signed one of the consent forms yet. They took us into another room so the US tech could go over the form with us and we discovered the particulars of the procedure. For the first time we throughout this ordeal we were told the full truth! The point of this procedure was only to draw enough fluid to send to the lab. I explained to the tech that the ENT specialist had said they were going to drain this completely and that would hopefully resolve the problem. This wasn't the case! She said they would get as much fluid as possible but that was the main point.
They finished the procedure and called us back into the room as they were waking JD back up. I asked the Radiologist why they couldn't use the fluid they had already withdrawn back in January. The Radiologist said she had never been told they had done the Fine Needle test. I was furious!!! Evidently the ENT specialist didn't see the point in sharing ALL information with the radiologist - so now we are paying for a test that was done a month ago, that we didn't get any answers from! I went off! I explained to the doctor the seriousness of this situation and how we had specifically explained our finances to the ENT doctor. Evidently they completely ignored everything we said.
When JD was moved to recovery in the AMU I called our pediatrician and expressed my concerns. I asked if the follow-up could be done through the pediatrician's office instead of the ENT. I explained that I am furious with the ENT and don't feel that we are getting treated fairly by him or his office. The pediatrician has said that they're going to try and work it out that we can follow-up with them. Yay for small victories!!! The test results should be back on Tuesday so we should find out sometime after that! Please keep praying that somehow this will just heal on its own. We're already being billed for services being rendered that we never should have and still have no answers. GOD's still in control - we know that! Now we just have to be patient! Please keep praying!
In His Hands -
Jeremiah, Crista, & JD
Friday, February 12, 2010
Peace in the Midst of....Wherever We Are
Well, today we will be going to the hospital for "round 2" of this crazy mess. We do not know what's going to happen or if it will be good or bad news. I'm praying that the fluid will have thinned enough that they can do the procedure. I can't imagine going through this a THIRD time. I know that GOD already knows the outcome and we are trusting HIM to take care of our little man. This is most likely going to be a very long and emotionally trying day! But I know we will come out of it ok. We have friends and family around the country praying for us and those prayers are not in vain. GOD is a GOD of mercy and even though it may not be the outcome we hope for it will be what is best for us and what brings the most glory to GOD. We know that we are in HIS hands and that is the safest place to be. Please pray that the doctors have wisdom as they determine the next step in treatment. Thank you - from all three of us! GOD is good all the time...
In His Hands,
Jeremiah, Crista, & JD
In His Hands,
Jeremiah, Crista, & JD
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Off to the Hospital - Round 1
This morning I called the ENT office to find out when the ultrasound procedure was going to be. They were supposed to call me yesterday and I never heard anything. The nurse said she needed to check on it and would call me back. The next half hour was spent talking to the ENT nurse and the pediatric sedation nurse. They were trying to get the kinks worked out and get us scheduled. The called at 8:50am and said we had an appointment at noon. They told me JD couldn’t have anything to eat or drink after 9:00am. The only thing I was allowed to give him for the next 10 minutes was apple juice. Try explaining to a 21-month old that he can’t eat or drink! I took JD to work with me for an hour then we headed to the hospital. We had to get there at 11:00am to get him checked in, the IV started, etc. We got there at 11:00am got checked in and headed to the Pediatric dept. They had a liaison who explained the steps we would go through and helped us better understand the procedure. They started getting JD prepped and asked if he’d already had a CT scan. We told them no. They left the room and came back a few minutes later and explained that they don’t like to take the risk of sedation without knowing for sure there’s something in the lump that needs to be extracted. They decided to do an ultrasound first. We headed downstairs to do the ultrasound and as soon as we entered the radiology department one of the radiologists said that JD needed to be on a stretcher first. The sedation nurse we were with explained he was outpatient and didn’t have a room. The radiologist and nurse then began “arguing” back and forth as to what needed to be done. The radiologist said we had to have a room for JD to “recover” in after the biopsy. They finally worked something out and we went on to the US room. We waited for a few minutes before the tech came in. She said she was going to go ahead and do the US and get that out of the way. JD was PERFECT throughout the US. He sat so well for them! I was so proud! They said they’d never had a 21-month old behave so well! *That’s my boy!* After the US we waited for quite a while for the doctor to come in to do the procedure. While waiting the nurses, sedation team, and US techs were discussing that our specialist’s office had tried to “short-circuit” the system in the way they’d scheduled the procedure. They didn’t go through the proper channels and that’s why this had been such a confusing mess (having to do an extra US, having no bed to recover in, etc). When the doctor finally came in she informed us that there was definitely quite a bit of liquid in the lumps but that it was too thick to be extracted. She said that we needed to wait a few more days for it to thin out and then we’ll have to come back and do this procedure. I was so frustrated with the ENT office. We went through a stressful day all because they tried to take shortcuts. So, we still have no answers but at least we got some information from the doctor at the hospital that really made us feel better. It was nice to get a second opinion and to feel secure in their decision. So now we go back on Friday @ 11:00am and get to go through all this again.
Please continue to pray for all of us. We are trying to remember that GOD is in control of the situation. We know that HE is but it’s hard to keep that in our focus sometimes. It’s so easy to say it when everything’s going great but our faith is being tested right now! We are so thankful for your continued prayers! We aren’t through this yet, so please keep praying! We’ll keep you posted!
In His Hands-
Jeremiah, Crista, & JD
Please continue to pray for all of us. We are trying to remember that GOD is in control of the situation. We know that HE is but it’s hard to keep that in our focus sometimes. It’s so easy to say it when everything’s going great but our faith is being tested right now! We are so thankful for your continued prayers! We aren’t through this yet, so please keep praying! We’ll keep you posted!
In His Hands-
Jeremiah, Crista, & JD
Monday, February 8, 2010
UPDATE ON JD
Here is the best shot we could get of the lumps on JD's neck. The first one (under his ear) is the worst. The second one (kind of under his chin) isn't quite as large and is definitely not as red. They both look bad though!
JD’s follow-up appointment was supposed to be January 28, 2010 but we got a call from the doctor’s office the day before telling us that we had to reschedule because our doctor was going to be in Haiti. They scheduled us for this morning (February 8, 2010) at 8:45am. We got there early (I know – I was shocked we were early too, Tiffany! ) and we waited until about 9:00am before they called us back. Then we waited another 20 minutes until the doctor came in. The doctor came in only it wasn’t Dr. Albernaz – it was a medical resident. (*yay*) She asked me a bunch of questions about what had been going on (when it started, symptoms, etc). I explained that the antibiotics he’d been on were supposed to clear up the infection and shrink/heal the “lumps” but they’ve gotten bigger! After she got all her info she went out in the hallway to “confer” with the specialist. Then the door opened and in came the specialist, and not one but TWO of the wonderful residents!
Dr. Albernaz examined JD and asked me some more questions. He then said that he thinks our next step will be to have an ultrasound done on his neck to examine the lumps. They’re also going to use a needle to aspirate the lumps while doing the ultrasound so they have a guide as to where the needle is going. JD will have to be sedated during this procedure – the doctor was surprised that I knew what sedated meant. Guess he thinks it’s an uncommon word?? He put JD on the same antibiotic – that didn’t do any good the first time – and said we’ll try another round of antibiotics. After the ultrasound and aspiration we have to go back to the specialist again! Clearly he thinks we are made of money!! Anyway- it’s very frustrating because we still do not know anything. Please keep praying for healing for JD and for patience for me! Our insurance isn’t covering any of this so every time they’re dragging it out I panic a bit! It’s my child’s health and I’d do anything for him but you all know what I mean. Doctors don’t always think about the most cost-effective method for their patients. Anyway- thank you for your continued prayers. The ultrasound/aspiration is supposed to be this week so hopefully I’ll have more news soon.
Dr. Albernaz examined JD and asked me some more questions. He then said that he thinks our next step will be to have an ultrasound done on his neck to examine the lumps. They’re also going to use a needle to aspirate the lumps while doing the ultrasound so they have a guide as to where the needle is going. JD will have to be sedated during this procedure – the doctor was surprised that I knew what sedated meant. Guess he thinks it’s an uncommon word?? He put JD on the same antibiotic – that didn’t do any good the first time – and said we’ll try another round of antibiotics. After the ultrasound and aspiration we have to go back to the specialist again! Clearly he thinks we are made of money!! Anyway- it’s very frustrating because we still do not know anything. Please keep praying for healing for JD and for patience for me! Our insurance isn’t covering any of this so every time they’re dragging it out I panic a bit! It’s my child’s health and I’d do anything for him but you all know what I mean. Doctors don’t always think about the most cost-effective method for their patients. Anyway- thank you for your continued prayers. The ultrasound/aspiration is supposed to be this week so hopefully I’ll have more news soon.
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